Nobody Likes You When You’re 23
Age is such a funny concept to me. Who I was at 11 is definitely not who I am at 23. However, I knew a little bit more about 11yo me vs. 23yo me. This is such a weird age to be. Old enough to buy alcohol and rent a hotel room, but not old enough to understand the intricate ways of life. Everyone says “you’re going to feel lost, such is life.” But, why?
Why do we as a society think its okay to let ourselves be dragged down by the undertow of existence? I have never been more confused in my whole life and I can’t see the benefit of the suffering. Post graduating college has proven to me that I really don’t have a place in the world quite yet. I am someone’s daughter, sister, and niece. These I have mastered gracefully in 23 years. But, I am also designer, lover, and peacekeeper. These have yet to be mastered
What I mean by this is, I was always good at knowing my place in the world from a young age because it was a routine I had down to a T. I was student for many years, and truth be told I liked having that title because it was something I was good at. I have a hard time with not being good at things. That explains the pickle I’m in now, I guess. Comparing yourself to everyone in your age bracket is the worst feeling in the world.
I have friends who are married, have two kids, some even already have a divorce under their belt. I just got my diploma and had my first real boyfriend like 6 months ago. I can’t drive a car, and I just learned how to set up autopay on my electricity bill. I feel so absolutely lost in this world that seems to be evolving right before my eyes. I’m 23 and here I am sat at my first real desk job, slowly sinking in the fact that this is going to be my life for a while.
Touching on the fact that this world is evolving around me, It’s a hard pill to swallow when you realize the generation below you is starting to have their own lingo of slang and you have no idea what they’re saying. Wasn’t that my generation’s job? Weren’t we the forerunners of “Slay!” and now that seems to be outdated? I’ve never felt so old yet so young in my whole life. There are things I’ve yet to do that I’m scared I won’t have time for, yet I’m only 23. What if I don’t get to eat gelato through the streets of Italy or enjoy croissants in the park with a view of the Eiffel Tower?
What it all boils down to is a significant fear of time. Moving too fast, yet too slow all in the same breath. What will all of this have been for? I have to find joy in the little things or this rabbit hole will keep me spiraling just like Alice on her first trip to Wonderland. I know I’m not the first person to feel this way, but it feels good getting it all written down for someone other than my mother to spew my fears to.
I have yet to find my place in the world, but I’m hopeful that will change as I do. One has to hold onto hope, if not, what is there?
