After It’s All Said and Done
I didn’t have a post planned for today, and usually it comes to me pretty quickly when I want to write about something. Today was a busy day, so I didn’t even really have time to ponder any topics. I guess today is going to be a brain dump day, my dear readers.
Tomorrow is my ex boyfriend’s birthday. What a weird thing to remember and hold on to, right? It’s hard for me not to forget as my birthday is the 11th of July (his June 11th.) I’m trying to forget about it and let it pass like any other Tuesday, but there’s a weird aura around it this time around. I told my best friend, Grayson, that I think I’m holding onto this like an infant with a soggy cheerio because I thought I knew what my life was going to look like this time around.
I thought I had everything planned. We were going to be together for years and we would celebrate birthdays, holidays, weddings, and everything else under the sun. But we broke up. And my plus ones are going to friends and birthdays feel weird. I think he came into my life when I needed someone, but I think he left when he was supposed to. Do you ever fall in love with someone and then let them strip the spark from you piece by piece without even realizing that’s what they’re doing?
For the first time in a long time I’m happy with the trajectory of my life. I love my apartment, my job, and my friends. I’ve allowed new people into my life and I’ve made meaningful relationships with the people who have been here. Consistently. That’s the big key word here. Consistence. I, like many other adult humans, have a hard time with the word consistency. I haven’t known much of it in my short 23 years of life. I think Grayson is the first person to show me what true consistency looks like.
I’ve been pondering the idea of putting myself back out into the dating scene, but truthfully I’m a little apprehensive. My cousin and I were having a discussion on how it’s so hard being known only as pretty instead of smart or interesting or anything in between. She had recently gone on a date where the guy didn’t ask her a SINGLE QUESTION ABOUT HERSELF. He mostly talked about his rich best friend which was weird…anyway.
The world is a weird place and we’re all just trying to find our way. I just wish someone would show up with a map and tell me I’m going the right way and making the right decisions. That would be the dream.
