A letter to the friends that healed my heart
(some names are changed due to privacy reasons ❤)
My first best friend that I can remember was named Paige. These memories are kinda hazy as I was really young when Paige and I were friends. I don’t remember much, but I do remember that our moms were friends and we spent a lot of time together growing up. She had a brother named Nolan, and we loved to play dress up. She moved away when I was 7.
Next was Maddison who I was in cheerleading with. Ours moms became friends as well and we spent quite a bit of time together. We grew apart as we grew up. I remember Jenna and I were on again off again friends, not really cementing our friendship until we became adults (We disliked each other a lot growing up. One day friends, the next day not. Now at 23, she’s definitely one of my favorite friends I’ve kept in my life.)
Then there was Kenzie who made me giggle and got my weird sense of humor. We spent our weekends playing Super Mario Galaxy and watching Fred on the home computer. We eventually stopped hanging out for reasons I’m not sure of, but according to her instagram she’s married with a slew of cats. I couldn’t be happier for her.
After that came Layla and Jamie. Layla turned out to not be such a good friend and I learned the hard way what a bully actually looked like. It was the first time in my life where I realized not everyone is going to want to be my friend. Jamie and I stayed friends for a bit, she lived down the road from my grandparents and would often come over to their house to play with me. She liked being friends with Layla more though, and stopped talking to me halfway through 5th grade.
I met Clara that same year and we became thick as thieves. We loved playing with barbies, The Phantom of the Opera, and Mario Kart. We would stay up late on our DS’ when the whole house was asleep during sleepovers. I cherished having a real friend again.
When we got to middle school, we quickly became friends with two other girls named Jackie and Eva. Eva would become my next bully, isolating me from everyone and wanting me to be her friend and her friend only. It was around this time Clara and I eventually stopped being friends. I hope she knows that I was grateful for her friendship.
Eva ended up transferring schools, and at that point I had made a new group of friends. There was a bunch of us that sat together every day before homeroom and sometimes at lunch, but I don’t think those girls were ever really my friends. Little cliques had formed within our group which caused a lot of drama for a bunch of 6th graders. I was closest with Jenna and Felicity, but even then they called each other their best friend and I was kicked to the curb.
I was a free floater for awhile. I also started to learn about the internet at this point and started making online friends. I thought of myself as the odd man out from then on as I had a bunch of friends, but no close friends like I did growing up. Jackie and I were still friends but nowhere near as close as we had been. By 8th grade I came to terms with the fact that I was the lone wolf, until I met Abby.
Abby and I became best friends rather quickly as we shared a mutual love of One Direction. Every morning we would stand by my locker before homeroom and talk about what was going on in our lives. We had sleepovers and mall dates and I really felt like I had found my person.
The summer before freshman year of high school, Abby told me she was changing schools. (For the record, Abby and I are still friends just not as close. I’m a bridesmaid in her wedding in September.) My world crashed down around me and I entered into high school unsure of who I was and where I would end up. I was friendly to everyone in my school, but I didn’t have a group of my own. Being in marching band helped and allowed me to form friendships with some of the upperclassmen, but those died after they graduated and left.
I’m not completely sure how it happened, but as I made my way through high school I eventually found a small group of girls I could call friends. They were closer to each other than me, but I still participated in school dances with them as well as the occasional secret santa or whatever. I still felt like I was on the outs with these girls as they were really smart and seemingly had their lives together. I wasn’t like them in any sense, but we made it work for the most part.
Margot was a friend of a friend who I became close with my junior and senior year of high school. We ran in the same circles, but she was a year younger than I was. This would be the friend I did everything with. We had all the same interests and I loved how she made me feel like I was finally understood.
The group of girls I spent high school with would turn out to not actually be my friends. Only one of them checked up on me when I lost my grandmother. They never invited me to hangout with them, but would post about it on social media that they were all together. As soon as we got our diplomas, those friends immediately showed their true colors. I don’t mean that in a mean way, I just mean that I tried for so long to be a good friend I got tired of feeling like a last thought.
I took a year off between high school and college and Margot was the only friend who stuck around. We had sleepovers and movie dates and would spend copious amounts of time with our other friend Gena. Gena was also in marching band with us, so by default we ended up spending a lot of time together. It was at this point in my life where I realized I didn’t need big groups of friends. As long as I had a few really good friends, thats all that mattered.
2020 was a weird year for me, which lead to an even weirder 2021. At the end of 2020 I realized I liked Margot a lot. She had developed feelings for me as well and we gave dating a try. I lasted for about a month before I realized that wasn’t what I wanted. In doing so, I not only broke her heart but I also lost my best friend at the time. She took Gena with her and now I no longer had either of them. I was back at square one with no real friends to call my own.
At this point in time, I had started college and started meeting people, but the pandemic hit and it made it hard for me to have a good relationship with these friends. I’m still so grateful for them though and I don’t think I would be where I am today without them. The best part? Even though we all live different lives currently, I know I could text any of those friends and they would show up for me the way I needed them.
The point of this long recollection of my history of friends is to bring you up to speed about the friends that have unknowingly healed a heart none of them broke. 2021 is when I met Rianna, and later would meet Katie who I would come to live with. They were two of the best roommates I could have asked for. They loved me and my silly little cat, as well as singing at the top of their lungs and going along with whatever stupid idea I had.
This was also the year I would meet Grayson, Dakota, Alex, and all of my other favorite people from the graphic design department. After that, friends started popping up all over the place like Rowan, Jake, and Justina. I started to find myself around people who made me laugh no matter the situation and I could say the dumbest things to and they would agree. I was finally starting to feel what everyone else around me felt when they found good friends.
Grayson and I have been joined at the hip since we met. Him and his girlfriend have become more like family to me and lived with me up until we graduated (once Katie and Rianna moved out of course). Grayson is my very best friend and has healed my heart after it was passed around and broken by so many people in the past. I couldn't have asked for a better person to call my person and I’m so grateful I get to call him that.
So, to the goobers I call friends, thank you. Thank you for soothing my weary soul and for loving the weird broken pieces I showed up with. Thank you for listening to me cry, for making me snort when I laugh, and most importantly showing me what true love in a friendship can look like. I couldn’t get through this life without you.
